Ahhh, a baby. But he was not my baby yet. I thought he was my husband’s and I was jealous. But now I know he was not. Mostly he was Nonna’s baby. And I know there is God, because God made sure we asked Nonna to be with us.
It is very close to 22 months since Asch birthed. This is the day he was born, sleeping in our room with his dad. His dad took this photo. He is lovely hey? Not a tiny baby, but a strong one. And lots of red hair that would make a 1 year old proud. And he kept it. Asch is very quiet here, exhausted. My husband can hear him breathing, and tiny little kissing sounds when he moves his mouth. He could smell Asch if he just would move closer. But my husband is sad and worried, and he does not know this little person yet. Asch is perfect, a picture of health.
We are all sleeping in a small private hospital, that we just love and would consider again.
I am not in this room. I am not with my son. I am not with my husband for the day our son is born. We are not together. Despite our best efforts this is not the day we imagined for our family.
There is a hole in my heart that goes all the way to China.
We have better days. Many months later. Then we had great weeks. And lately we’ve had great months really. So great in fact that we talk about another life. And holding new babies gives us a little flutter of excitement, rather than a deep ache. My husband told me today he held a newborn and was thrilled. And I am relieved we have turned a corner.
And somewhere still I am angry. This is what our family should have been.
November 27, 2009 at 4:39 pm |
Arrrr.. and yet not a word?!?! You are amazing…and again you have made me cry. Remember you don’t need to always smile for me… you are allowed to interrupt the flow of ?????????? that often eminates, for more important things.. like this! xxxx